Interview with Maria

  • Can you talk a little bit about your early experiences regarding the Catholic Church while you were growing up in New Zealand?

My family was caught in a dilemma in the 1970s, post Vatican Council II, when the Catholic Church was undergoing big changes. Although change was necessary, and long overdue, many Catholics were confused with the shift in thinking. Suddenly, mortal sin and the threat of eternal damnation were replaced by no sin and no place called hell. Was it possible God was a nice guy after all?
As a teenager I was happy to see the end of the Latin Mass and fasting on Fridays and during Lent. But my Irish grandmother never stopped reciting her prayers in Latin, and she was a strong influence on my mother and, hence, the whole family.

  • What was the nature of the calling you believed you received from God?

One day when I was in confession, the priest asked me if I’d ever thought of becoming a nun. I should have said ‘no’ but, in a moment of peaceful selflessness, I responded ‘yes’, and so began my journey of discovery of what it meant for a young girl, just 20, to try to empty herself of all human desires in order for Jesus to fill that space.

  • When you were quite young, what you describe as “a callous act” resulted in “an impossible choice” that shaped the rest of your life. Can you share with us what happened?

I could – but then you wouldn’t need to read my memoir: Reparation – a spiritual journey. So, I recommend you take the time to turn the pages of the book and live the experience I went through.

  • Afterwards you sought absolution in a convent as a Carmelite nun in the Palmarian Catholic Church. Please tell us a little about the Palmarians.

The Palmarian Catholic Church was founded in 1978 in Seville, Spain. It sees itself as the true Catholic Church, although Rome would see it as a breakaway sect or cult, clinging to tradition (not unlike Archbishop Lefebvre in France). The Palmarian Church was founded on the site of the alleged miraculous apparitions of Our Lady to four young children at Palmar de Troya – similar to what occurred at Fatima in Portugal in 1917 and Medgujorje in Bosnia in the 1990s.

  • What was a typical day like in the convent?

The convent bell rang at 6:40 AM each morning, followed by Mass, then breakfast. During the day we worked in silence, our thoughts focused on God while cleaning, cooking, and washing. There was half an hour for spiritual reading before lunch at 2:00 PM, followed by half an hour of siesta, then a journey out of Seville to the Basilica of Palmar de Troya. We prayed there until after midnight every night, except Saturday. On Saturday night we stayed awake all night praying. There was no free time, no contact with the outside world, no newspaper, no radio, no television, and no phone.

  • What caused you to leave the Palmarian Church?

It was almost 10 years before I had a change of heart, a loss of faith, a spiritual awakening, a realization. And when I left I was broken, confused, exhausted, and silenced.

  • What has your life been like since you left the Church, more specifically, what role, if any, does faith in God currently play in your life?

I had no idea what to believe when I left the Palmarian Church. For so many years my thinking had been rigid, my thoughts focused, immovable. Rejecting one Church didn’t necessarily lead to believing in another. After all, every Church sees itself as the true church. For a long time my head was in a vacuum and no questions surfaced. However, as I recovered from the silence of the Carmelite world, my mind and body energized, my curiosity ignited, I began to read outside of what had once been my usual religious framework. And, although much of what I read didn’t make sense to me, I persevered because I was desperate for insight and change. Now, I’m content to say I don’t have the answers to most of life’s big questions. I’m happy with the mystery, the not- knowing. I don’t have to coat everything or anything with a faith blanket.

  • What message do you hope readers take away from your amazing story?

Healing happens if we let it – no matter how broken we might be. Don’t be ashamed of who you are, what you have done. It’s your story, own it, and love yourself through it. You will feel wonderful… and strong.